Secret Desires & Fears
by Maddycat2000
Summary: Gemma and Kartik still have many things between them, things neither would choose to share. Who, however, can control their own dreams?
1. G1: Intro

**Secret Disires & Fears (Intro)**

Timing: Before arriving in England after her mother's death ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty_' pg. 15).

_I am Gemma Doyle. I have decided to keep this little book as a log of my dreams and possibley some thoughts about them. This is a very odd time for me, a part of me doesn't believe my mother died and that I may see her when I get up in the morning. I can not say what is compelling me to do this, but I feel I must. With what I have seen already, I feel asthough anything is possible._

_Lately I have seen the death of my mother replayed in my mind, over and over. It is painful to watch, but my only other choice is to go without sleep. I doubt this would do me much good, I believe myself mad as it is. _

_In between there has been some old happy memories; playing with my mom as I was young, her singing to me when I couldn't get to sleep, laughing at an interesting display in the marketplace. However happy these are, they seem to bring the tears faster than the nightmares. _

_It seems almost ironic as to how I am now headed to England, as I wished so dearly to go to before. It is a forgotten wish now, all I want is to see my mother's face now, I suppose it is useless to wish for soemthing like this. _

_That will be all for now. I must try to get sleep, and hope for better dreams.

* * *

_

**G-1**

Timing: Some time after Gemma met Kartik in the chapel ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty_' pg.77-82).

_I am running along, through the woods that seem to surround Spence. It seems to be dark, but I do not notice, I just keep going. _

_I don't really understand where I'm running to, or why, but I don't think about questions, I'm not really thinking actually, just running. Running as fast as I can, no fear strangly enough, no emotions. _

_I don't recognise any of my surroundings, but that doesn't seem to bother me. I don't believe I have a destination, I'm just getting away, thats all thats important to me. _

_My feet are bare and step hastily over dry leaves that cover the ground. I wear a simple dress, white, but not prefectly so, its torn a bit from the out streched branches and dirtied from dirt. _

_I see faces looming at me from behind the trees, faces unknown to me. I do not try to see what they're doing, or why they are looking at me so. They make me feel uncomfortable, Kartik's words ring in my head and they just make me go faster._

_"We'll be watching you, Miss Doyle."_

_Suddenly I stop, I'm not in the woods anymore. I am in a completely different place. I have never seen it before, yet it seems midly fimilar. It is extremely beautiful, I couldn't have ever seen anything like it before. A warm breeze picks up and sends pleasant shivers up my spine. The sun shines down onto me, almost as a spot light it seems. _

_My heart slows down to a soft, gentle beat. I am relaxed, though I have yet to know why._

_"Gemma..."_

_Its a very fimilar voice, but it takes me a minute to realize who it is speaking. It is my mother._

_"Mama?" I call back to it, I start to run again, towards the voice. "Mother!" I call out once again._

_"Come Gemma..." her voice calls, but I can not be sure which way her voice is coming from. _

_"Mama!" my voice sounds distressed even to my own ears, I can not find her, I run faster in spite._

_I start to hear her say something to me again before everything is pitch black. I gasp in alarm and stay totally still. My heart starts to race a bit more again. _

_Kartik's face can suddenly be seen infront of me. An unknown feeling sweeps over me, I can not describe it correctly._

_"Close your mind."_

_I find myself sitting up in my bed, shivering slightly. I quickley regain my wit and look over to Ann, to see if she has noticed any of this. To my relief she is sleeping soundly, even snoring a little. A small smile crossed my lips as I sink back into bed, glad that she remains asleep. _

_My smile emdiatly fades as I remember mother's voice in my dream. I miss her so much. Tears nip at my eyes, but I hold back. _

_My mind strays to Kartik. How have I found him in my own dreams? I doubt I am in his. I feel asthough he has an advantage, he seems to know much more about me than I do about him and he also seems to understand whats happening to me even more than I do. It isn't fair at all.

* * *

_


	2. K1: Intro

**Secret Desires & Fears (Intro)**

Timing: Just after Kartik's brother's death ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty_' pg. 15)

_My name is Kartik, I am of the Rakshana. After my brother Amar's passing I have decided to keep a log of my thoughts and dreams that I feel should be written._

_I see this as the wisest thing to do as I have now learned that there is more to life then meets the eye, Amar's death has shown me that more than anything that I had been 'told'. I know as well as the girl must know, that my brother, and her mother, did not die the way that others make it out to be._

_For now I shall keep this journal and write anything I feel needs to be written, as akward as I may feel doing this. _

_No matter how helpful this may or may not turn out to be for me, it could be used against me in the future if it ever fell into the wrong hands. I shall hide it well.

* * *

_

**K-1**

Timing: Shortly after he warned Gemma to 'close her mind' ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty_' pg. 79-82).

_The first dream I tell of, I do not see from my own eyes, but Amar's. I am him in this dream of mine._

_I'm rushing along back in India. I seem to be looking out for something or someone. I seem to be following a lady. The girl's mother, no doubt. She's looking for someone. Strands of her red hair peek out from the bun she has it in. I follow her into a shop. Dry herbs hang from the roof of it._

_I glance around anxiously, the mood is anything but calm. My hand grips a dagger, I hold it tightly as blood races through my veins. I raise it slowly, it is my only hope of defense against what might lurk in the shadows. Even if this idea is futile, it is something. I strain my ears, trying to hear any noise that may warn me before I am possibly swallowed whole._

_I notice something moving in the shadow of a corner. I grip the dagger harder, my eyes buldging with fear that I do not even attempt to hide._

_The creature of shadow makes a hissing sound as it uncoils, my heart beats faster. I steal a glance towards the woman then back at the thing. It grows considerably larger as it comes out from its hiding spot. I can hear moans and cries from inside of it. From its victims?_

_Before I can think I'm running towards it, I don't fully understand why, but I am._

_Suddenly I wake to find myself siting straight up, sweat forming on my brow. My heart beat begins to slow to its normal pace as I realize that it was only a dream. I take a small sigh of relief and lie back. _

_For all I know, that may have been the way Amar died, it seems to fit with the scene of Gemma's mother. _

_I can not deny that a part of me hurts from the idea, he was my brother after all. It is impossible not to think of him at times, though I know it was surely his destiny. He followed it as I shall follow mine, which I hope is different from Amar's..._

_Now I realize... I was not Amar in my dream, but myself. And Mrs. Doyle was not Mrs. Doyle, or at least not that Mrs. Doyle. It was Gemma. I see this as a message, a subconcious warning. _

_If the girl fails to do as I infrom her to do, if I fail to keep her away from the realms, I may share the same fate as my brother and she may share her mother's...

* * *

_


	3. G2: Kartik & Pippa

**Secret Disires & Fears (G-2)**

Timing: In the first book, a little after Kartik 'saw' Pippa ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty_' pg. 176-177).

_I'm at the school. I'm walking around near the forest. I feel neutral. It feels asthough I'm looking for something, heading for an exact destination in my sub concious. I walk swiftly and quickley. I don't look back and I don't try to remember where I'm going. Before I know it, I'm at a cliff. Even though I'm suprised how I got there, I go on silently._

_I seem numb to myself now. Now that I think over the dream, it sort of scares me. Nothing that I'd scream at, but more of a silent fear. The idea just seems creepy._

_I stop abruptly before taking a step off the cliff. I had stopped walking just in time, but again, I felt no emotion at the point at how quickley I had stopped before falling over the edge of it. Not that It would make much of a difference. It was a dream._

_I look down. My eyes seem to zoom in to two people on a beach, a few miles down from where I am. Even with such a huge distance, I can see it close up._

_The first I reconize is Kartik. His hair is a bit messy, not that that's really unusual for him, and his shirt is off. I'm getting chills from the memory at this moment as I discribe this to you._

_He's laughing. He's laughing with the other figure. I cannot make out the figure yet. Its almost asthough theres a filter there infront of my eyes, so that I cannot make out their face. The person seems to be laughing too. Suddenly they come into focus._

_It was Pippa._

_I blink, focusing on the two. They're laughing together, what about I have no idea. Here I feel the first emotion that I felt durring the dream, envy. I don't know why, but its coursing through my veins. The two don't notice me peering down at them from my high perch. I want them to, I want them to see me, I don't know why. I change my mind quickley._

_I turn around and start to run off, but before I know it I'm falling. Falling into a vast darkness. The wind combs my hair, I must admit, I'm afraid. The jealousy is still there though. The only noises I can hear is their laughter and the wind rushing past my ears._

_Then its all black. I'm in a dreamless sleep. I don't remember anything from before. I only remember it when I wake up, slowly, but it seeps back into my memory, if you can call it that much._

_I know am slightly nervous of seeing either of the twos faces. Why did I feel so envious in my dream? I feel foolish. If the two ever do like each other, I shouldn't worry about it. It doesn't have anything to do with me. Not anything..._

_I must retreat back to sleep as Ann is waking. I hope my dreams do not return to the_ _same subject, if I can find sleep again.

* * *

_


	4. K2: Her Kiss

**Secrets & Desires (K-2)**

Timing: Sometime after Gemma kissed Kartik at the gypsy camp ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty_' pg. 209-210)

_She's kissing me. The scene keeps replaying in my dreams. It's the same way she did it, but it seems to be a different place each time. I do not believe it was once at the gypsy camp like the real thing, though._

_I believe it is the fifth time. No, I did not keep track of it, it's just a guess, an estimate. It doesn't really matter how many times it has shown itself in my dreams, the fact is, it has. Sometimes the memory stays until a bit after she breaks away, sometimes I wake when she does. _

_My prediction was right, the guys never did let me hear the end of that. They still like to make small jokes about it, I have learned to let it pass, they seem to drop it faster if there is not as large a reaction as they expected._

_The boy with the memorable nose (I never seem to remember his name) seems a bit bitter about it. I suppose he was hoping for a lady's company, he doesn't seem to get too much with that large nose of his. _

_For some reason the gypsy men here seem to look up to the English women, like Ithal. I don't see why he keeps pursuing the blond. After their last encounter maybe he'll give up on her, I hope he does. He's making a fool of himself for her and she practically spits on him, I hope I am never in such a position. The English, they seem to always rank people this way, seeing the gypsies as 'heathens' for example. Gemma is English, does she think of me that way?_

_The thought of her that night still sends a shiver down my back, which means everytime I dream it as well. Especially when I remember that I kissed back, yes sadly, I did just the littlest bit. _

_I must shake these thoughts from my mind. This proves a bit of a difficult task for me. I ponder for a moment, trying to think of a way to do so. However I find a way, I remember her friend. I believe her name may be Pippa from some of their conversations that I've 'overheard', however I am not sure of it. Whatever her name really is, she is... attractive, I must admit this. _

_I asked Gemma about her after the kiss. I felt a bit embarassed as I admit... that I didn't pull away first, so I felt I had to change the subject to something else, something to cover up what might have been going through my head at that moment. It seemed to be the right thing to ask for that purpose. When she answered, I believe I heard something in her voice, I think it was... disappointment. For what, I am not sure, or maybe I just don't want to be sure about it._

_She seemed to rush out of Mother Elena's tent soon after she entered it. She seemed a bit... jumpy. I am slightly concerned about what might have happened to make her so, but it mustn't be too big because her friends didn't seem half as shocked as she. Then again, maybe she had a vision. She really is stubborn, I wish she'd just close her mind already without arguing with me about it. She asks too many questions about it as well, if she would just hold back from visions already she wouldn't need to worry about the answers of them._

_I've written too much, I am forgetting the reason for this 'journal'. I should retire back to my sleep. I am not so willing to go back to it truthfully. It gives me a sort of unfamiliar feeling, I cannot describe it. However, I can not be drowsy tomorrow, I must be alert as always, as the Rakshana has taught me to be._

_Good night.

* * *

_


	5. K3: Stinging Words

**Secrets Desires & Fears (K-3)**

Timing: Shortly after Gemma and Kartik's fight ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty_' pg. 245-247).

_"...a boy."_

_Her words keep ringing in my head, preventing me from sleep. Does she really think of me as only a boy? A boy? I thought I had proven myself more than that, much more. I do not know why, but the idea that she thinks of me as only a boy makes me to want to kick something, hard._

_"You're not a man."_

_She isn't exactly a lady, is she? She bit my hand, surely that would not be a common lady's action of choice. They'd be shocked by just about all of the things she does. Any of the things I do... _

_"You're their lackey."_

_Their lackey? I had thought that since they gave me this mission that it proved they trusted my skills, wouldn't it? How can her words be making me think this over? Even if I may be their lackey, I am Rakshana, it is truely a priviledge. It is much more important than just having the job of finding a decent partner and having children, is it not? She has no right to speak._

_These are not good signs. Does this mean she is defying me? Defying the Rakshana? _

_Should I ask for help? No, I musn't. This is my chance to prove myself, I would hate to think of what punishments I might recieve for such a failure._

_No, I will gain control of her again. Somehow. I will find a way, by myself._

_If only I could find sleep, to put my mind to rest. However it will not. No matter how much I assure myself that Gemma is just a foolish girl, her words keep ringing in my head, trying to lead me to think differently. I hate to admit it, but I'm beginning to consider it. _

_I must not, I must not believe her. I must regain my hold on her, otherwise she may go into the realms, as I have been told to keep her from doing._

_How can she think she knows so much more than me? I am Rakshana! What sources of information does she have? None! _

_It does puzzle me how she has found out some of the things she now knows though... Does she have a source?_

_I must look into these things myself. I will not admit that I need help in keeping the girl in line, I will not admit failure. I do not need assistance, I can accomplish my task on my own. I must prove myself worthy of the training the Rakshana has bistoed upon me._

_I am not sure why I have softened up to her. There is no possible way I would have let her get away with her little stunt before, yet I just sat there. Even when she talked to me in such a way afterwards, I just let her get away with that, just standing there, stunned. _

_Is it those eyes of hers? I must admit, they do seem to have a power of their own. I have never seen eyes as bright green. Its almost entrancing..._

_Enough. I must truely be dorwsy beyond recognision after writing such things. I shall now return to my previous labors of searching for sleep. Her words will eventually fade away, they must at some point. I must forget them completely, they are simply words of a silly girl that will make a silly mistake if I do not find my strong hold on her once again.

* * *

_


	6. G3: The Realms

**Secret Disires & Fears (G-3)**

Timing: After the girls enter the realms together for the first time ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty'_ pg. 252-260).

_I run through darkened woods. I do not recognise them, they are foriegn and strange. Shadows lurk in corners and trees crowd my path, I manage to dodge them all narrowly. I pick up more speed as my surroundings seem to only become duller. _

_"Don't..."_

_I pause and turn to see who's whispering voice I hear. At first I see no one, only the tall trees looming over me threateningly. I lower my guard then in a flash, I see Kartik. Shadows play across his face and he speaks, but I do not have the wits to make out his words._

_I sway for a moment, allowing the gloomy atmosphere a chance to sink in, chilling me to the bone. I take off as fast as possibly, heart pounding and mind spinning. Something about his face has thoroughly spooked me, I want to run as far away as I can. _

_The wind rushes by me, hissing into my ears. Soon I've even forgotten the words, however I continue to run. For some reason, I feel as though I have to, need to, or the darkness will eat me alive. Images of my mother's death flash before me and my eyes begin to swell._

_Suddenly, I'm not there anymore. I'm somewhere else, somewhere beautiful, somewhere I now know to be the realms. _

_I stop running and begin to look around myself. I don't believe I've ever seen anything more beautiful than this place. The sun shines down onto me, making a small smile begin to sprout on my face. _

_"Gemma..."_

_I turn quickly, trying to see who or what is calling me._

_"Gemma..."_

_It's my mother, I am sure of this much. Her voice is as smooth as silk and I find it hard to think clearly. Soon I'm running at a slower pace towards where I believe I hear her from. _

_"Gemma?"_

_I see her now. My eyes buldge slightly and now my smile is becomingpainfully large. She looks more peaceful as ever, her golden red locks forming ringlets on their own and her peircing green eyes smiling down at me. _

_"Gemma!" she finally confirms, making her way over to me._

_I can't move. Its just so wonderful. Gone? No, shes here in the realms, with me. I can come visit her here, whenever._

_How can Kartik see something bad about them when they can do so much good as bringing back loved ones that have passed? What grudges can he possibly hold? The Rakshana no longer matters to me. Kartik's warnings are nothing, he is nothing. Who is he to judge me and the realms? _

_Felicity, Ann, Pippa, and I can take care of ourselves. We don't need to Rakshana. We'll make our own conclusions on the realms. _

_They brough me to my mother, how can that possibly be wrong?_

_Now that I think it over... it is the same dream as before, but this time I've found her, in the realms, where everything is lovely and fair.

* * *

_


	7. K4: Warning

**Secret Disires & Fears (K-4)**

Timing: Around the girls' second visit to the realms. Shortly before Kartik leaves Gemma a letter in warning ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty_' pg. 283).

_The dream I now write seems to be just but a blur in my mind. I can feel it slipping away even as I write. I curse myself for this._

_The details aren't so important. I can remember the basics of it, at least for now I can. Which is probably why it is best for me to write it down as fast as humanly possible. _

_They were all together, Gemma and her friends, the blonde, the akward one and the beauty. Unfortunately, I can not seem to place where they were. The only thing I can clearly recall of that was that the area was dimly lit, if there was any light at all._

_All of them were in a circle, their faces plastered with ridiculously large grins. Yes, they were happy, very much so. Something didn't seem right about their expressions, it seemed almost demonic. The whole memory of it makes the hairs on the back of my neck prickle. _

_They were mumbling. Their words were spoken too softly and quickly for me to make out what exactly they were saying, my sense of hearing was obscured. Whatever it was that they seemed to almost chant, it made the blonde giggle. _

_I can roughly remember that something was moving in the background. It wasn't so noticable at first and seemed like just another shadow, but in seconds the figure had expanded to a full grown man's height. _

_This is where I woke, I must surely have looked aghast, cold sweat trickled down my forehead and I hadn't exactly combed my hair. However, this was no issue at all in my mind during the time._

_I gave myself time to calm down a bit so I could think clearly and review the last few days. I got up and began to walk about, which helped my thoughts form considerably. I was still a bit on the tense side at that point, but much less so than before. Small fragments of the dream replayed over and over, images of the girls' faces, the figure lurking behind them. It was not exactly soothing to have in your thoughts._

_After going over all of this, I have come to a conclusion that Gemma has in fact entered the realms. This is one of my greatest fears. There is still a slight chance that I am wrong, but it is very, very slight. The concept is not hard to grasp at all, I knew it would come to this all along really. _

_I will not ask for more help from the Rakshana, this choice I made as soon as the question came to me. I will not inform them that I have failed to keep her away from the realms, that she has not listened and obeyed me. She has most definitely not closed her mind._

_I will not give up so easily. I will contact her somehow... I'll leave her yet another note. She must not keep on playing this little game of hers. It is much more than a game, she must understand this, though I find it incredibly difficult to think of a way to teach her that. _

_I have not failed, and I refuse to do so lightly.

* * *

_


	8. G4: A Moth to Flame

**Secret Desires & Fears (G-4)**

Timing: After the visit to the realms in which Gemma talks to her mother about the runes ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty'_ pg. 286-288).

_They glow, a flame attracting the moths. I am the moth, helpless to continue to reach out for the power of the flame, as are we all._

_The runes buzz. They hum a familiar and alluring lullaby, filling the whole area with their song. _

_I am compelled to touch them. What could it hurt? They can't be as dangerous as mama tells me... can they? I am want to find out. If only I _could_ touch them, judge them for myself... if only I could feel their mysterious power against my finger tips. Only for a moment, of course._

_My hand reaches forward without thought, everything around me seems to stretch, but I do not notice or if I do, I do not pay this change any mind. My index finger is only but an inch away from touching the tall, thin crystals that call to me so, then everything flashes white._

_I'm not standing anymore. I don't know where I am or what I am, human or not. However I am oblivious to this all. _

_All I can see are the clouds above. They twirl and crawl past me ever so slowly. As I watch I can only think to compare it to a slow and steady dance._

_One of them resembles a cat, no a kitten, like the one before that I watched with mother. It moves ever so slightly, almost as if it has a life all its own._

_Suddenly, like before, it changes into something else, something dark, something unrecognisable. It is only a flash, but I am startled. I let out a short, yet high, shriek._

_I'm falling. I'm falling head first into a deep canyon of some kind. The bottom is coming fast, but it is not yet in my view. I reach out to grab onto something, anything that could stop this nightmare. _

_I pull back when I feel cloth. I was expecting to feel something more wood-like in texture, maybe a branch or outstreached twig. I turn abruptly in my fall to my right side to see what I had grabbed onto. I see the others; Pippa, Ann, and Felicity. They fall with me quickly._

_Something is different about them though, something is not the same. It takes me a moment to pin point this, but... they're unconcious, in deep sleep. _

_I blink in confusion for a moment before beginning to call out to them. The wind steals my words and I am mute even to myself. I try in vain once again and it's as if my words have been left me. I hear only blank gasps and screams coming from myself instead of the sentences that had formed in my mind._

_They are falling faster than I am now. I try one last time to reach them, but I can not even get close enough to do so. Suddenly, the bottom of this great hole is just below us. A raging river awaits our arrival._

_My eyes bulge at the sight and I attempt to draw back against gravity, but it is no use. I close my eyes and ready myself for the impact to rip me into shreds._

_Laughter fills a green clearing. I lay on my stomach in a patch of green clovers. My eyes are squinted and tiny tear drops are forming, but I do not feel sad in the slightest bit. Just now I realize, the thundering giggles are coming from me._

_My fit continues and I look up from the ground to see Kartik laughing lightly with me a few feet away. He lies on his back, twirling a dandelion between his long fingers. A gay smile is spread across his face and his eyes have an peculiar shine to them._

_My laughing dies down after a few minutes until it's just half a chuckle. Kartik has stopped completely by now. The smile has left his lips, but his eyes remain the same. _

_Without warning, he thrusts out his left hand, holding out the flower, offering it to me. Two or three of the small white parasols fly off into the wind._

_I smile at him and shyly take it. My cheeks have no doubt changed into a more rosy color at this gesture._

_As my hand grips around the small flower's stem. I notice that there is no longer any of the small parasols left on it. They have all left it barren, now only a stub. My brows furrow at this._

_I look back to Kartik and I am caught in his gaze. Our eyes meet and there is pure silence for a minute. But then I notice, there is something wrong with his eyes, they are unfamilar to me, they are not his own. A sudden smirk crosses his lips and I fine myself beginning to get up, struck dumb by his expression._

_As quickly as I left it, I am back where I started, by the runes in the realms. Now there is a considerable distance between the shimmering crystals and me. It seems I have retreated at least five feet back from the huming gems. It seems almost a fearful act... yet after only a moment I begin to draw near again._


	9. G5: Taking in the Runes

**Secret Desires & Fears (G-5)**

Timing: Just after the girls take in the power of the runes for the first time ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty'_ pg. 317-320).

_The runes, yes the runes, I've taken them in. We've taken them in. I can feel their power in my veins even now in my sleep._

_Everything is dark, no nightmare or warning can seep into my mind now. I feel free. The utter darkness in my mind should be alarming to me, but it is quite the opposite. _

_I await the dawn, or whenever else I may awaken. I cannot wait to see the world with this new... energy. I almost imagine everything to be inverted when I do. _

_I remember the light, that searing brightness that confirmed that we had reached it. The feeling of it was wonderful, I wonder what it was like for Ann... and Fee and Pip. Could they have possibly seen the things I had? Felt the bliss of it all? I am almost sure I could turn Cecily into a frog if I set my mind to it._

_But will I? Or was this all just another dream? Could it all possibly have been just my imagination? Will I wake to the morning of the assembly day once more? Or maybe even before that? I doubt it and dread it at the same time._

_What's Kartik doing, I wonder? What would he do if he knew what we just did? What would he think? What would the Rakshana do? The questions were quickly deserted as other thoughts and questions began to bloom in my mind. _

_What would I do with the new magic when I woke? What would we do? What could we do? We couldn't perform anything too noticable with them, but a few pranks couldn't hurt anything. Cecily, yes we could teach her a lession for a few tricks of her own. Ideas sprouted of what exactly we could do to her, nothing too cruel of course, I don't think any of us were cruel enough to actually harm her. _

_My mind only lurked on these plans for a moment or two, though. I couldn't bear to keep my mind on one subject for more than a minute. _

_I was in my bed, I was certain of that. How I came to be there was more of a mystery. Had we magically materialized into our own rooms? Or could it have been that we had walked back ourselves, but were just too overcome with the high that the runes seemed to accompany us with to remember it? Could anyone have seen us? What would happen if they did? Is it now in our power to erase such dangerous memories?_

_How long had I been laying there? Days? Hours? Minutes? Were the others asleep as well or was I the only one? Was I even asleep? Could I possibly be dead? No, no, there was no way that I could be dead when I felt this... alive._

_My thoughts were brought to a halt as I felt myself beginning to come back to conciousness. Let the games begin.

* * *

_


	10. K5: Nightmare

**Secret Desires & Fears (K-5)**

Timing: A bit after the second time the girls take the magic from the realms. ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty_' pg. 334-338).

_Unnerving images and thoughts flash before me, not even giving me a chance to fight back from them, to free myself from their talons. I circle about the same terrible events in my mind, helpless to break free._

_Amar and I run through the crowded Indian streets. I am barely a boy and Amar is quite young himself. The sight seems familiar, maybe it is a memory of my own? In a flash everything is changed. On a cold floor lies Amar's lifeless corpse, below me. His eyes are bloodshot and mouth agape in what must have been a scream. My hands quiver uncontrollably as I observe him, I am unable to calm them. His eyes seem to move onto me and pin me to the spot. _

_Fine red strands curl in the wind's hands. They are pulled forward, cloaking the figure's face. She stands in a barren field alone. The wind ruffles her skirts, sending an odd sort of tingling up my spine. She turns, now can I not only be denied her face, but everything except her back as well. The grass is twirled around by the wind almost violently yet she seems at peace. Her calmness steadies me._

_I'm in an abandoned corridor of some sort, blood pours from a large gash in my chest. I find my hand there, holding a dirty rag to the wound, trying to staunch the bleeding, though the attempt proves hopeless. A high pitched scream makes me half jump. My hand clutches onto the rag tightly and my teeth clench together. The ache of the wound begins to dwindle as I fight to stay awake. When did they become so heavy? I let them close for just a moment, what harm could it cause to have just a moment's rest?_

_"Watch out," a softened voice beckons me._

_My eyes snap open to the girl in the field again. She turns slowly yet somehow at a quicken pace at the same time. Widened eyes as green and beautiful as emeralds penetrate mine, I know her. Gemma's right hand points somewhere behind me and a notch to the left as her other hangs limply at her side. Her skirts are stained green from the grass that dances franticly below her. Her skin is like porcelain and a slender silver dagger extrudes the patch of skin above her breast. _

_"Gemma!" I attempt to call to her, but my voice comes out as a choked whisper. _

_"Kartik."_

_My name echoes from her lips and her eyes are now a warning. They stare straight past me to something else, darkness reflects in the jade orbs. Try as I might I cannot pull my eyes from the region that is now drenched in crimson. My heart's pace matches that of the wild's blind movements._

_Then everything grows dark. A definite chill goes through the air that I feel is somehow directed at me and fog erupts from an unseen corner. Her face is one of sympathy, which confuses me furthermore, for she is surely the one dying. I want to say something, point that out to her maybe, but my mouth will not cooperate. In less than a moment her face is swallowed whole by the thick fog._

_I hear a low purring sound and turned only to see what Gemma had been pointing to. A massive shadowed beast smiles at me, his teeth are sharpened into perfect points. He nears closer to me and I tried to move my legs to run away, try to escape, but I was suddenly sinking._

_I blinked in confusion and my mouth opened sub-conciously only to be filled by salty water. I coughed and closed it again as I fell further. I could see seaweed clouding the water around me, it seemed to be strangling the water. I blinked and before I could fully comprehend the situation the seaweed encircled my own throat._

_Then I was back at the beginning, over my dead brother's body. His hair was gray now and eyes shut. My hands fiddled with one another, bickering like little children and when I looked down they were covered with blood, _his_ blood. It was then that I began to feel the pressure on me._

_It pulled on me, as if stretching me as far as I could possibly go, or it could possibly pull. The same images flashed over and over with small changes in each; Gemma's eyes reddened, the creature letting out a low howl of delight before pounching onto me, giving a failure of an attempt to fight the seaweed off of me, and not only having my brother's blood on my hands, but a knife in them as well._

_By now the pressure had increased and I felt it would rip me apart before I could escape the horrid nightmare. But just as it peaked into true pain, it ceased completely. I had had my eyes tightly closed, but opened them carefully after a moment in the sudden stillness. I was suprised by a simple darkness. Labored breathes errupted from me as I regained myself. _

_And thankfully the dream then ended with only one more imagine, the last. It was not as dark natured as some of the others in my opinion and it had no violence or gore, but it somehow managed to disturb me the most of any._

_I leaned against a tall oak watching the girls with the protection of the shade. Gemma was not among them this time, but I was oblivious to the fact at the moment. They sung in delicate voices and their feet moved gracefully in a sort of dance. Their hands were connected in an uneven circle, each girl trying to pull the one behind her. The wind blew at their skirts, pushing up just an inch above their fair skinned ankles, which they refused to give any mind. Strings of heavy wooden beads were hung around each of their necks, reminding me of the gypsies._

_After a moment or two I recognised three of them, they were Gemma's friends. Ithal's was there, with the meak and beautiful one. Pippa's face holds a coy yet knowing smile. My mood seems to grow slightly more serious at this observation and the hair at the back of my neck pin prickles as if it knows and undersrands what my subconcious will not allow me._

_The words they sing are slurred and few giggled, but the last few come out clear enough for me to make out._

_"Ashes, ashes, we all fall down," they sing, all smiling at one another knowingly._

_Their hands split and they all fall back in laughter, time slows as they hit the ground. As they reach the grass the smiles disapear... as do they.

* * *

_


	11. G6: Stilled Doubt

**Secret Desires & Fears (G-6)**

Timing: After hearing the end of the story of Mary and Sarah, read by Miss Moore. ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty_' pg. 342-345).

_I'm not sure what I could name the dreams I had this night. I would call it a nightmare, except for the fact that the very nature of it was almost the opposite of such. For example, when you think of the word 'nightmare' you may think of a paniced sensation of wanting to hide, caused by murderous and twisted illusions in your slumber. This was all frightening in such a different sense._

_I woke up many times, too amy to count. I'd be so still and so sullen, then wake up in a cold sweat, somehow finding sleep once again within minutes no matter the intensity of my distress after the last. _

_I sat in the forest, leaning against a mossy trees, the wind blowing through my hair gently. Everything was dimed though not black, more of a dark misty green color, perhaps teal. The trees swayed their hanging limbs in my direction, reaching out asthough for help, their bodies still in despair. _

_My legs and arms, felt like led. I heard noise of horses coming towards me, I turned my head taking almost an eternity to find the direction. I could hear the laughter of children in the distance, though I was surely in the middle of a large woods, where no one, especially little ones, should venture. I was detached from my body, I believe, for I could feel my lips curved upwards though the images before me shook me from the core. My head continued to turn._

_There, to the side of me, I could see a small girl. Her eyes searched the forest's dark floor frantically for something unseen to me. Her features were delicate, though dirtied to a far extent._

_"Ma'am?" I suddenly found her eyes upon me. "May I have my dolly back?"_

_Ever so slowly a feel my limbs move, arms reaching down into my lap. As an unknown material tickles the tips of my fingers I slowly peer down to see what the queer item is._

_Here there is a hole in my memory, as I can not claim remember what exactly it was in my lap, though it brings a shiver to my chest when I contemplate the possibility. Whatever it may have been, I recall laughing once my eyes came upon it._

_Faces, I remember seeing faces, a very many faces. Some were very old and some were very new and I even recall some that were fimilar to me, most I could not identify though. Each face I saw brought on a different emotion in me, but none were pleasant. _

_I distincly remember one woman, she had eyes, hair, and a face like that of my mothers. I almost could mistake her for my mother, but there was something funny about the expression or perhaps the over all figure. She wasn't my mother... she couldn't be..._

_I remember many more periods of blankness in my mind, perhaps forgotten moments in the drawn out torture, minutes of unrest or possibly I am choosing not to try as hard as I might to record these undesired sights. _

_The last thing that I could in fact remember was in a feild of grass and wild flowers. Ann accompanied me as we used the power given to us from the realms for our pleasure, so fun and seemingly harmless, yet I could not help but remember Kartik's expression earlier when I had gone to him. Was he right?_

_I will now retire from these memories and hope not to be reminded of them again. There are too many other things of importance at the durrent moment to hang on this._


	12. K6: Failure

**Secret Desires & Fears (K-6)**

Timing: The night after Gemma reveals to Kartik that she has infact visited the realms ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty_' pg. 346-347)_._

_I am a restless, unsure of my footing. I have failed the Rakshana and she has confirmed my fears, that she has indeed visited the realms and used their magic. _

_She is a stubborn girl, strong. She is not so willing to listen to me and I doubt there is a chance of it anymore. I do not know what she was looking for when she came to me, admitting my fears, but it has proved my methods ineffective. This leaves me cold. Have I lost all control of the situation? Have I let down my brotherhood?_

_She is stubborn in the idea that she is right, but she is reckless. If the situation is as delicate as it would seem, I do not trust her in full to restore it. She is ignorant of most knowledge of the realms and and does not realize thus. How is one to determine whether she is strong enough to possess these gifts at all? She is silly and this has led her wrongly. I have failed. I do not fear the punishment of this failure specifically, though I know it may be my very life. Instead I fear the shame that I shall carry. _

_Thoughts such as these have kept me up through the night. I am weary, yet I can not find the serenity to find sleep. I revisit the same options over and over in my mind, though none of which are thought out thoroughly._

_Is there a way to correct this? _

_I have not had a full night of sleep for a few days, being troubled by unnerving dreams to which I can not name once awoken. The delirium caused by this lack of rest makes me overly cautious. I am ill at ease in my own skin. Every so often there is a rustle and I am sure it is an assassin from the other side, or some kind of evil spirit. _

_How could I let her get this far? I should have taught her to obey the Rakshana in the very beginning._

_Such a silly, silly girl. She has brought us to ruin. How could she be the one, chosen by the realms to be its keeper? I wish desperately I had been given some other charge to prove myself with._

_Near dawn I find rest somehow, but calling it thus is misleading. I am afraid the very thing made me more on edge. _

_The dreams were not as intricate as some of my others, but only added to my nerves._

_I saw a withered tree. Old and haggard as some of the gypsy women. _

_I saw but a glimpse of Gemma, for once she was motionless on the ground. I had a feeling all was not well for her._

_And I saw Amar, except it was not the same Amar as I remember. A red sunset shone behind him and his eyes were not of their usual shine, something dark bubbled beneath the surface, leaving me uneasy in his presence. _

_If I truely had a god to whom I was devoted, I would pray for this to be another worthless nightmare, something made up of only my nerves and fears. I would meditate for hours in the hope that what I see is fabricated by myself and not a foreshadowing of what is to come. I would hope to have faith in the headstrong girl whose eyes hold powers unearthly in nature._

_However, I am without a true religion. I am Rakshana, and my allegiances lie there only._

_This day I will do as always watch and listen, there is little more I can do. However, I will work to find distractions for the day. I am tired of the games and fear for what they lead up to. _

_Are there any choices left?_


	13. K7: Break Before the Storm

**Secret Desires & Fears (K-7)**

Timing: The night after Pippa's funeral. ('_A Great and Terrible Beauty_' pg. 396-399)_._

_My dreams are not plagued by fearsome creatures and concepts as of late._

_I buried the deer, killed by the girls. Its spirit has been put to rest and shall not haunt my thoughts._

_I am not sure of what I think of the whole ordeal yet. I still remember all the foolishness I saw before, but I admittedly feel that I have more faith in her since this incident. This makes no sense when I think over all the possibilities that the situation may have led into if she had not been so lucky. Luck, that is what has aided her._

_I also remember the look of the light haired girl as they took the life of another, the look of all the girls, pale skin gleaming along with the blood which stained it. It is a frightful memory, one I won't forget in the future._

_However, I try not to trouble myself with such thoughts._

_The Rakshana will meet with me soon, I am sure of this. I could not be certain if it will be to give me new instructions or to punish me. I fear the latter. I do realize that I have failed my brotherhood by letting her enter the realms under my watch. I have proved worthless on this mission I have been given. I would hope for a chance of redemption. Our brotherhood is not known for forgiveness._

_Ms. Cross's death was unfortunate. It is sad such a pretty, young girl should come to such an early grave. She should not have become involved, but I can not change the past. My conscience is clear of guilt for her death, the causes of which are not completely known to me._

_I should have been more saddened by her end, she was truly lovely, but these odd feelings towards Ms. Doyle continue._

_I have seen what her ignorance has caused. I see she is foolish and headstrong. Yet still I sometimes wake from dreams of her jade eyes on me, my skin hot for reasons I can not begin to rationalize. I have however seen the disturbing lust in her eyes for what she finds in the realms. It is a weakness, but after seeing all the realms have caused first hand in the days that have passed, her unnatural power frightens me. I am not convinced she should be the one to weild it. _

_I now know she was not involved in the attempted sacrifice in the woods. In fact, I should thank her for my escape from the greed consumed girls. I can not guess why she spoke up for me then. Her hands are still stained though, never clean. I am not much better, my hands will never be completely clean either. Dark deeds have bound our fates and we may never be truly innocent again in this sense._

_In the lingering days I have fallen idle, but I stay alert. Winter comes and I must be ready for what is asked of me next, whatever it may be, but I relish the peace between the strikes of thunder._

_Will the Rakshana cast me off for such a disgrace? Do they have another task for me which I may redeem myself to them by completing? I can do no more to help or hurt my case. I must simply wait paitently for when I shall be called upon._

_This is not the end of our troubles. A new storm is gathering, promising to be rougher than the first._


	14. G7: Disturbing Images

**Secret Desires & Fears (G-7)**

Timing: Between _'A Great and Terrible Beauty'_ and _'Rebel Angels'_.

_I feel hot with fever each time I wake from my latest reoccuring nightly horrors. They shake me to my core and I pray with all I am that it is my subconscience and nothing more._

_The dream is too terrible for me to describe in full detail, as I probably should. Not only does it scare me, but it arises such undeniable guilt. This fear is part of the cause of my adverse feelings towards returning to the realms as of late. Indeed they are of Pippa, but they are too terrible to be real. I'm sure of it, or rather I pray for it to be so._

_I dream of the realms, of our beautiful Pippa, hopelessly lost inside. _

_The realms are not at all as I remember them to have been, no longer beautiful, but a frightening, changed place. The ground weeps at its own change and the trees stand barren where they once were full and green. The sky is a deep blood red. Clouds dark, a sign of a coming storm. The setting seems foreign, but I know in my bones that it is the realms._

_"Be careful, Gemma." _

_Her voice is calm, yet my heart dances in my chest._

_Pippa is beautiful as always, but their is something eerily different about her. Something that I can not ignore._

_Flowers are intertwined in her hair to form a garland. Odd ends of the various daisies are dried out and hang limp among others still retaining their former beauty. The contrast between her hair and pale skin is harsh in such lighting, alarming, but nonetheless lovely. Only then do I realize what is wrong in the picture. Pippa's eyes are unnaturally pale and her pupils are tiny pinpricks next to the blue milky color of her irises. The sight makes my stomach turn on itself. _

_"You must come back to the realms, Gemma. But they're looking for you, so you must be careful," she smiles whole heartedly at me, as if to shake off any uneasy feelings. Her cheeks raise in good cheer, flaunting her high cheekbones most alluringly._

_It might have obtained its purpose of calming me, especcially given how beautiful our Pippa is, but again one detail causes me to wake in such a fit every other night. Her teeth are now pointed to small, razor sharp tips, every one. What should have been full of friendliness is sickeningly carnivorous._

_The unpleasant message is returned in slightly different phrases more than once each week. I try to ignore it, but each time it has me clutching my knees to my chest and trying to forget the implications. _

_It is not real, Gemma. It is not real, Gemma. It is not real... she has passed on. I witnessed it._

This is the final installment of this fan fiction. I'd like to thank all my wonderful readers and reviewers. You really make my day when I see a new story alert or review, even if you're got some critism for me. Its taken a long time for me to finish up this fic, but it was worth every minute. If I could go back and change something, I would have spent even more time on it.

No, I will not describe more dreams for the next two books in the trilogy (Rebel Angels and The Sweet Far Thing), but I do have a few other AGATB fan fiction ideas up my sleep. None will be me narrating from Gemma's point of view again, I think I'll leave that for Libba Bray who totally is better at it than me (she did think of the character), but rereading the series has made me take interest in other characters and their thoughts. I hope you guys'll check in every so often and take a look when I start another.

Thanks again for the experience! You guys all rock!


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